BEFORE YOU BLAME HER: THE DEATH OF DSS OFFICER ADETUTU ADEDOKUN AND THE QUESTIONS WE NEVER ASKED

Originally written in November 2022 and republished because its message remains as relevant today as it was when it was first published.

On 10 November 2022, Nigerians woke up to a tragic story.

Adetutu Adedokun, an officer of the Department of State Services (DSS), reportedly stepped out of a commercial taxi on the Third Mainland Bridge after a heated telephone conversation with her fiancé. Moments later, she climbed the bridge railing and plunged into the Lagos Lagoon.

She was an unarmed combat instructor who had recently received a commendation for outstanding service. She had also become engaged and was preparing for what many would have described as a promising future.

Her body was never recovered.

What disappeared beneath the waters of the lagoon that afternoon was more than a security officer. It was a daughter, a fiancée, a colleague, and a woman whose dreams ended with questions that may never be answered.

Predictably, public opinion arrived before the facts.

Some blamed her. Others blamed her fiancé.

Many who knew nothing about the events leading to that afternoon became judges, prosecutors, and jurors all at once.

Before you blame her, pause.

Perhaps these words explain why I have always found it difficult to condemn people whose burdens I cannot see.

I have been to many places,

I have seen many faces,

I have run many races,

Even with my laces unlaced.

Though I haven’t won,

I am not perturbed because I still hope for a warm embrace.

It is a race.

Time heals.

If you have never stood where another person stood, you have no moral justification to condemn the way they reacted to pain. You may disagree with a decision, but disagreement should never replace compassion.

This is not an attempt to justify taking one’s own life.

Far from it.

It is a plea for understanding before judgment.

Life can be cruel.

Human beings can wound one another in ways that leave no visible scars.

People rarely collapse because of a single conversation. More often, one conversation becomes the final weight placed upon years of disappointment, loneliness, betrayal, anxiety, or emotional exhaustion.

She was already in her late thirties. None of us knows the disappointments she endured before that day. None of us knows the promises that were broken, the silent tears she shed, or the emotional burden she carried into that final telephone conversation.

Before asking why she reacted the way she did, perhaps we should first ask whether anyone noticed she was struggling.

Did anyone truly listen?

Did anyone recognise the signs of emotional distress?

Or were we all too occupied with our own lives to notice someone quietly falling apart?

We often encourage people to speak when they are hurting. Yet many who gather the courage to do so are dismissed, mocked, criticised, or told to “be strong.”

Compassion should not begin after tragedy.

It should begin while people are still alive.

Those who know me understand one thing.

When unfortunate events occur, I rarely begin with blame.

My first question is usually, “What can we do to stop this from happening again?”

Relationships deserve honest reflection.

Should people stop loving wholeheartedly because others have abused trust?

Should we blame ourselves for believing the promises of the people we hoped to spend our lives with?

Every meaningful relationship requires investment, time, trust, sacrifice, hope, and sometimes money.

When those investments suddenly collapse, the emotional consequences can be devastating. If you are not prepared for commitment, do not persuade another person that you are.

False promises are not harmless.

Words can build lives.

Words can also destroy them.

Youth should never measure the value of a relationship solely by wealth, luxury, or appearances.

Build your own future, work, acquire skills, and become financially independent.

Financial independence allows decisions to be made from confidence rather than desperation.

A responsible partner should never seek to make you dependent. Instead, such a person should encourage your ambitions, support your dreams, and celebrate your growth.

Parents also have responsibilities that cannot be ignored.

Teach your children kindness.

Teach them humility.

Teach them to apologise.

Teach them gratitude.

Teach them how to disagree without becoming abusive.

Teach them that difficult conversations can be handled calmly and respectfully.

One careless statement spoken in anger can leave consequences that cannot be reversed.

While emotional distress may have preceded the incident, the environment where it occurred also deserves public scrutiny.

Years ago, police officers regularly conducted foot patrols on the Third Mainland Bridge.

Where are those patrols today?

At the time this article was first written, many of the streetlights on the bridge were no longer functioning.

There were no visible surveillance cameras covering one of Nigeria’s busiest bridges.

If someone required immediate intervention that evening, who would have seen them?

How many incidents have occurred on that bridge without witnesses?

How many families are still waiting for answers?

Mental health is not merely a private concern.

It is also a public policy issue.

Functional streetlights save lives.

Visible security patrols save lives.

Surveillance systems save lives.

Timely intervention saves lives.

Listening saves lives.

Every tragedy should leave society wiser.

If all we learn is how to condemn the dead, then we have learnt nothing.

Today, pick up your phone.

Call someone you have not spoken to in months.

Ask how they are.

Then wait for the answer.

Listen without interrupting.

Listen without judging.

Sometimes the conversation you almost postponed becomes the reason someone chooses tomorrow instead of goodbye.